3/24-3/25 2022: "Searching"

Staying motivated is a challenge when half your classes are the definition of boring. I'm in the phase of trying to find new things. New music that will be more exciting because that equals a better mood. I always do this to myself. It would be so refreshing but at the same time, I want to stick with what I know. What's comforting and familiar is what I need right now. But change is necessary too. It's an ongoing battle of indecisiveness. This week's been one of highs and lows. I'm always looking for the positive spin on the day, the silver lining. I keep trying to make the most of what I"ve been given but everything seems to be holding onto a thin thread.

I tend to push away bad experiences in favor of looking forward in a constant state of denial. Everything will be okay if I keep telling myself that. Feelings don't last forever, and if I don't dwell on it, it'll fade into insignificant oblivion. That's what makes me feel better at least.

I prefer sunlight over shadows, even small patches that I can latch onto. An exciting show I can get easily invested in. A new writing assignment that's focused around fiction. The sun coming out after two days of windy miserable rain. The list of good can dominate over the bad things.

It doesn't mean the bad doesn't exist. It still needs to be felt and dealt with accordingly. Sometimes it's even difficult to go one day at a time.

When you're staring blankly at a wall for an extended period of time, getting up from the floor is too much to handle or comprehend. Avoidance of a problem doesn't solve things. It only teaches that behavior is acceptable.

Having emotions is not something you ever need to apologize for. Just existing is purpose enough for anything that makes you excited about living.

Circumstances can be bleak, and laying in bed is okay when you feel like you can't do much else. Starting small: getting out of bed, listening to a podcast and coloring, taking time to rest, stepping out in the sun. They can help, even though they may be minuscule things.

But enough can simply be your next breath. <3

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Small update on 3/25/22:

This is still how I'm feeling. Having your close friends take you to hole-in-the-wall stores (plants, books and collectors), can improve a lot. It's okay to take a break day and explore the city you live in. Find a new coffee shop or bookstore you haven't tried out yet.

Even if you don't want to spend any money, just the atmosphere is comforting in itself.

Be willing to add change to your life, even if it's small.