to an aspiring tattoo artist/a message to myself (5/16/22)

I did what you told that seminar class last semester with Odessa's "A Moment Apart" song. I rolled down the windows of my car to let in the summer air, turned my speakers up to 50, and let the wind completely take me. I felt like almost all the streetlights were green as if the universe aligned at that very moment. It was humbling, inspiring, and wondrous. I felt in control, but there was immense freedom when I drove. It felt unreal because I was driving between the trees of my hometown, and there's nothing like blasting music on full volume and letting everything go.

Thank you for giving me this----you and the universe.

*****

I'm realizing this one thing: I'm not going to be the good guy in everyone's story.

I am going to hurt others even if I don't mean to. I will make choices for the sake of myself and my happiness.

I am going forward, the scars of my past at my back. I will leave it all behind for a better version of me.

Doing this takes immense courage, and I'm somehow full of absolute terror and resolve. I feel everything and nothing at the same time. Hard things need to happen for the betterment of a person. Intense emotions and feeling overwhelmed all the time are not going to improve my life. Overthinking, worrying, and stressing over what I can't control or try to control too much will break me one day.

I can't worry about anyone more than myself anymore. I wish I could treat myself the way I treat others. This step for me will be the first in a journey of self-love, preservation, and determination. I can't hold anything back. Not anymore.

My message to myself:

You will continue to love.

You haven't lived your best days or adventures yet.

Keep writing even if it feels impossible.

Drink tea and treat yourself like a friend once in a while.

Hang out with the people you know care about you and want to see you thrive.

This is only the beginning of the journey called life.

You do what's right for yourself, and that's all that matters.

It won't feel this way forever.

****

Even when I'm feeling that broken sense of myself again, lost and unsure where to go, there's still hope. There is energy that reminds you that not all is lost. There are still gorgeous sunsets that look like heaven is breaking through. There are still people who love and care about you and are ready with comforting words and a tight embrace.

There's still so much to experience. So go. And be.